HOW I HEARD: listening to a God who actually speaks

I remember the first time that I actually knew I heard something from God.

I was 19 at the time, a freshman in college, and I was painting in my room at home in the summer. And I just knew I needed to get on my knees and pray. (I normally just pray normal- not on my knees. But I just knew that for some reason this was important and it was a needing to humble myself and listen type of thing.)

So I did. And I just had this thought- that I was supposed to leave school.

Did I hear His voice right then? Yes. And no. The words weren't audible.

But the idea was impressed upon me deeply and I knew it was from God, despite how scared I was.

How do I go about telling my scholarship counselor that I was going to give up full tuition and board? What reason do I give them? What if they think I'm not thankful? And, oh yeah, what reason do I give them for my leaving?

I asked God to affirm this move before I made it, and in the next week I saw two clear statements posted on Facebook about how we shouldn't disregard the fact that education can come from experience and dreaming boldly as well as from formal schooling.

(Keep in mind, this happened before iPhones listened to what you're saying in order to optimize your ads. And, even if my phone did that, I just knew that God was giving me enough courage to go on to move forward. And I needed to follow Him.)

So I ripped the Band Aid off.

What did I say?

That I was leaving school to paint. That my desires had been changing. That I had prayed about it and knew this was what I was supposed to do.

And oh, it felt like a wilderness for a while.

My friends went back to school, and it seemed like they were actually doing something with their lives.

What was I doing?

Painting. And wondering. And attempting to listen to God, because I had no idea what He was doing.

My desires had been changing, though. What I had told my counselor was definitely true. I had been going school for philanthropic studies, which is such a good thing. But my desires had changed. I had started to love painting and gardening and writing more and more. And the nonprofit management track, although good, was becoming less and less fitting for who I was.

So I felt like I was wandering when I left, but looking back, I know it was most definitely the will of God. In that leaving season, I learned to hear His voice. My days were significantly emptier than they had been. So I had a lot of time to listen. And read and pray and grow to know God better.

Most people would have filled that time with a job. And, oh, I wrestled with that. But when it came down to it, I knew in my Spirit that God had given me this time for something else. So I painted a lot. And honestly, I worried a lot. And I compared myself a lot to others who seemed to be doing more.

But if I hadn't had that season where I felt so purposeless, I wouldn't know how to hear His voice like I do today. Honestly, the track I was on before I left school was full of determination and doing good works, but it would have crowded out my time for God.

So, instead, He called me away. And I have gotten to know Him so much better since then.

Throughout my day, as I was reading and painting and listening for Him, I struggled with what I was "hearing" was my own voice, the enemy, or God. I did hear words that were His sometimes. And I learned what it was to be led by Him.

Just like in any relationship, it takes a while to be able to get to know the voice of the person you're with. And it takes even longer to pick their voice out in a crowd.

It took me a while of trying to listen and journaling and asking God to affirm what I thought He said in order for me to be able to tell when it's His voice. It's no easy task, but it's most definitely worth it.

Conversations with people you barely know are awkward. But they get better. That's how it went for God and I. The ample time to listen to His voice was necessary.

There were times when I saw something in my daily life that I knew was from Him. It was planned just for me. Once, on a tag on my tea bag, there was a quote that said, "Your choices will change the world." I knew He meant it for me. And I desperately needed that reassurance. I got that quote multiple times when I drank tea, and it was always when I needed it and not always when I was looking for it. He said it was for me.

He knew I needed to know that the choices He was leading me to make would have an impact, no matter how insignificant and purposeless I felt currently.

In that time, I painted paintings that were full of brilliant swirls of all of the colors. And only years later, after receiving several promises from Him, did I realize that, even then, He was trying to tell me that He had specific promises He wanted to share with me that He would fulfill. (You know, Noah, boat, flood, rainbow colors, promises. Rainbow colors mean promises.)

Since leaving school, I've gotten God. In all His fullness. Full, deep, true, conversational relationship.

Every choice He has led me to make, yes, had scared me more than ever, but has turned out as He said they would. And some of the choices and promises that I'm still waiting for results on might feel like a wreck, but He promises that His promises don't fail or come up short of expectation.

I'm learning to trust Him. And to hear His voice. And to really know God who made me. And that's worth more than anything I''ll ever have to give up.

Doing life with God is a day-to-day thing. He's real. His voice is real. He really does lead us. If we'll have Him, He'll give us all He's got.

He's my confidant. He reassures me. He's so brave and strong and bold. He makes me better and braver. When I listen to His voice, I can be assured that the heart behind what He is saying is good. He know's what's best. And so it's a joy to follow Him and get to keep adventuring with Him. He's the most adventurous person I know.

And so each day, although it's still a struggle, I delight when He talks to me. Sometimes, when I'm sitting at my desk, He just leads me to pause and be with Him for a second. And I feel His joy.

Oh, our God is so relational. More relational than I ever thought possible. It's worth the fight and the seasons of "purposelessness" to get through to the point where I get to be with Him assuredly and always.

#school #hearingGod #Godsvoice #discernment